i still miss him and i hate it.

(Source: havesomepieceofmind)

i miss him so much.

i thought i was getting over him. i’m more open to the idea of dating, hooking up, etc. that is until i was somewhat played. but i keep hearing things about him. i’m not asking to hear things. they’re just told to me. he didn’t get into his top college. he had the flu all weekend. i don’t know why.. but i want to be there to comfort him. i shouldn’t feel this way. he broke my fucking heart and he would never ever be there for me but i feel the need to be there for him because he’s upset. and i need to comfort him. i don’t like seeing him sad. even though i haven’t seen him in months.. just hearing about this i automatically know how he’s reacting and how he needs someone there for him. i wanna be that person. but i can’t anymore, he doesn’t want me.

he texted back. he was extremely short with me regardless of how nice i was being. i was trying to create conversation without sounding desperate; asking about football, school, etc. and i was getting one word answers and when i congratulated him for moving up in football (which he was trying really hard to do) i didn’t even get a response. he teased me. he basically set it up so i would get hurt.. again. i spent most of the day sobbing because i miss him so much. i had to delete basically all of his friends on facebook because they all remind me of him. i’m so depressed. i’m so done with this. it’s not fair. all i want is for things to go back the way it was.

everyone’s left me. and i mean everyone. my friends are all gone. they don’t invite me anywhere. i’m basically a background character in their lives. no one cares to ask me how i’m doing or anything. it’s just always about them. i gained two good friends through this but they were bound to come along anyway. i feel drained and cold. i’m more alone than ever. my thoughts are driving me insane. there are things that have come accross my mind that i wouldn’t even tell my best friend. it scares me. i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: i don’t have the balls for cutting or suicide (i really don’t think i’d ever), but i’ve often thought that no one’s life would be that greatly affected if i were just to no longer exist. i can promise you that everyone would be like “wow didn’t see that coming” and then move on with their lives. i can’t deal with this anymore.

fuck you for hurting me like this. fuck you for making me cry myself to sleep night after night. fuck you for ripping my heart out and not giving a flying fuck about it. fuck you for not wanting me. i need you.